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Nov 1st, 2024, 3:20am
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Topic: Make Me Laugh (Read 12512 times) |
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
 Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
 
  
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #160 on: May 12th, 2006, 6:12am » |
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Got this from a friend and I want to share it with you folks coz I thought it's really funny.
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,! I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole ..1.
"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole ..2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on! my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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CooCHie
Premier Expert
 Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #161 on: Jul 11th, 2006, 5:35pm » |
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How do you all like this explanation for how a baby is born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll Down
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
You got Male!
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #162 on: Aug 23rd, 2006, 3:58am » |
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I copied this from a friend coz I think it's hilarious. 
I was playing golf with a friend the other day. He told me on his last business trip, he got so embarrassed at the ticket counter. The lady at the counter was so hot and had very large breast. He wanted a ticket for Pittsburgh, but what came out was,"I would like a ticket for Tittsburgh please". I told him that happens all the time, you mean to say one thing but something else comes out. It happened to me just the other day. I was having lunch with my ex-wife when i meant to say, " would you pass the salt please"? But what came out was, " you f**ken bitch, u ruined my life!"
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #163 on: Sep 19th, 2006, 8:06am » |
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For those men who says "Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's what women says these days "Why buy a whole pig when you can only get a sausage?"
1. Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm
they are.
3. Men are like Weather.... . Nothing can be done to
change them.
4. Men are like Blenders... You need One, but you're not
quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &
they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a
word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are
always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take
soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara... . They usually run at the first sign
of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a
little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when
they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but
not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken. The rests are handicapped.
 
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| « Last Edit: Sep 19th, 2006, 8:18am by Wicked_Witch » |
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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thebeast
Superior
 Frisco TX
# 19
Gender: 
Posts: 995
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #164 on: Sep 27th, 2006, 8:50pm » |
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Question....If women that have large breasts work at Hooters, then where do women with one leg work
Answer...IHOP...International House of Pancakes 
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #165 on: Sep 29th, 2006, 10:05am » |
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on Sep 27th, 2006, 8:50pm, thebeast wrote:Question....If women that have large breasts work at Hooters, then where do women with one leg work
Answer...IHOP...International House of Pancakes |
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Ok, I'm dumb...but I really do not get the joke here, Joel?
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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thebeast
Superior
Frisco TX
# 19
Gender:
Posts: 995
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #166 on: Sep 29th, 2006, 4:28pm » |
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on Sep 29th, 2006, 10:05am, Wicked_Witch wrote:
Ok, I'm dumb...but I really do not get the joke here, Joel?
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Edith....Women with one leg work at I HOP....I HOP...if you only had one leg how would you get around You would hop..like a rabbit of course. Maybe you have never heard of IHOP b4. IHOP is a place here in America that serves pancakes. Hence International House of Pancakes. Since the word International is used...I would think it would be known internationally.
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| « Last Edit: Sep 29th, 2006, 4:33pm by thebeast » |
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S4ff1r3_65
Intermediate
 ~InabigbigWorld~
# 162
I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
Gender:
Posts: 432
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #167 on: Sep 30th, 2006, 12:33am » |
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Twinie when you read anything in a joke column come in prepared. Never read a joke with a frown on your face or you'll never get it. LOL 
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Never say good-bye if you still want to try- never give up if you still feel you can go on- never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #168 on: Oct 4th, 2006, 3:14pm » |
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on Sep 29th, 2006, 4:28pm, thebeast wrote:
Edith....Women with one leg work at I HOP....I HOP...if you only had one leg how would you get around You would hop..like a rabbit of course. Maybe you have never heard of IHOP b4. IHOP is a place here in America that serves pancakes. Hence International House of Pancakes. Since the word International is used...I would think it would be known internationally.
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Ohhhh...ok. Tnx, Joel. I told you I am a blondie sometimes. I have never heard of that place. But we have here Hobbit's House where the waiters and waitress are midgets.
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #169 on: Nov 9th, 2006, 10:47am » |
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A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to Arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'
'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her Seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne ."
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