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Nov 1st, 2024, 2:51am
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Topic: Make Me Laugh (Read 12508 times) |
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nOrKAy
Premier Expert Happy Valley
# 130
If you don't like my apples, don't shake my tree!
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Posts: 2733
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #170 on: Nov 15th, 2006, 6:40pm » |
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I got this from Tim [Lookyhereman]. Almost everyday, he makes me laugh by sending jokes through e-mail which I appreciate. This is the whole email: LOL! I wish i knew Nelsons email to send this to him! A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she finally meets a nice guy online in a chat room. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback named Nelson. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband Nelson standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
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« Last Edit: Nov 15th, 2006, 6:40pm by nOrKAy » |
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
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Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #171 on: Nov 28th, 2006, 4:20am » |
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss"
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #172 on: Dec 1st, 2006, 7:42am » |
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A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that She was out of credit / airtime. She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy..... After junior had called, he got back to Mommy to inform her that there was a Lady that picked up Daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching Dad on the mobile. This got her very angry.... She waited impatiently for her husband to return From work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap. Then she slapped him again for good measure. People from the neighborhood Rushed to the scene to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The Woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called. Junior said: "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at present. Please try again later."
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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okasantina
Premier Expert Yokohama, Japan
# 4
***~~QuEeNbEe~~ ***
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Posts: 2744
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #173 on: Dec 4th, 2006, 6:05am » |
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This is gross but funny!! Eating Peanuts: One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door,their daughter came home with he date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he grows older?!" The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
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CooCHie
Premier Expert Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #174 on: Dec 5th, 2006, 9:09pm » |
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Today's the viewing." An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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CooCHie
Premier Expert Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #175 on: Dec 5th, 2006, 9:11pm » |
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on Dec 4th, 2006, 6:05am, okasantina wrote: This is gross but funny!! Eating Peanuts: One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door,their daughter came home with he date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he grows older?!" The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!" |
| I smell Looky's hand there too Tinasan..lol
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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Fallen
Intermediate Greece
# 39
Hmmmmm wazz up Doc?
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Posts: 311
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #176 on: Dec 13th, 2006, 8:51am » |
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Ill tell u a quick one fallen is back
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Fallen Angel
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CooCHie
Premier Expert Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #177 on: Dec 16th, 2006, 6:36am » |
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on Dec 13th, 2006, 8:51am, Fallen wrote:Ill tell u a quick one fallen is back |
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #178 on: Dec 28th, 2006, 8:48am » |
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Irish Priest in Texas >> Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in >>his >> new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom >>to >> get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. >> He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of >>his >> front lawn. >> He promptly called the local police station. >> The conversation went like this: >> "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" >> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at >>St. >> Brigid's There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye >>be >> so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the >> matter?" >> Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied >>with >> a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you >> people took care of last rites!" >> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. >> Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we >>are >> also obliged to notify the next of kin." >> >> >>
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #179 on: Jan 8th, 2007, 9:10am » |
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Dearest Friends With New Year now upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a dead Kangaroo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program. Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large Emu with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
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« Last Edit: Jan 8th, 2007, 9:11am by Wicked_Witch » |
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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