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Nov 1st, 2024, 3:01am
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Topic: Make Me Laugh (Read 12510 times) |
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
 Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
 
  
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Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #70 on: Oct 17th, 2005, 7:14am » |
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice the Lord said "because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said " build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want".
The Lord said "your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challanges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me".
The man thought about it for along time. Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy".
The Lord replied,"do you want two lanes or four on that Bridge?"
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #71 on: Oct 18th, 2005, 2:12am » |
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Contagious Virus
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."
The Carburettor
"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
Sending The Bill
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
The Wizard Of OZ
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
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| « Last Edit: Oct 18th, 2005, 2:13am by Wicked_Witch » |
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Jimbo
Beginner
 Pennsylvania
# 196
When one door of happiness closes, another opens
Gender: 
Posts: 108
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #72 on: Oct 19th, 2005, 12:42am » |
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Top 10 Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
Top 10 Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You have less guilt the next morning.
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
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CooCHie
Premier Expert
 Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #73 on: Oct 19th, 2005, 1:27am » |
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JImbo WItchy keep them cummingggggggg!!!!
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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Jimbo
Beginner
Pennsylvania
# 196
When one door of happiness closes, another opens
Gender:
Posts: 108
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #74 on: Oct 20th, 2005, 12:28am » |
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OH how I remember, and am guilty also 
My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other,
do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My Mom taught me about INDIVIDUALISM.
"I bet if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too!
My Mom taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Mom taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My Mom taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something
to cry about!"
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS.
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about WEATHER.
"It looks like a tornado swept
through your room!"
 
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
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Jimbo
Beginner
Pennsylvania
# 196
When one door of happiness closes, another opens
Gender:
Posts: 108
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #75 on: Oct 20th, 2005, 5:53pm » |
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN
A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.
She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.
When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"
uh huh, uh huh
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
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Jimbo
Beginner
Pennsylvania
# 196
When one door of happiness closes, another opens
Gender:
Posts: 108
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #76 on: Oct 24th, 2005, 5:02am » |
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A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."
The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."
The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."
The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"
The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."
The mom asked: "Why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"
The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.
"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."
"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"
"He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.
"Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew."
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"
The guy replied, "A naked woman."
Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed."
This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert."
The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all of those naughty pictures."
A lady went to the doctor and complained that her husband was losing interest in sex. The doctor gave her a pill, but warned her that it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in her husband's mashed potatoes at dinner, and so she does just that.
About a week later, she returned back to the doctor's office and said, "That pill worked great. I put it in my husband's mashed potatoes just like you said. It wasn't five minutes later, and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor said, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize that the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah. That's okay. We aren't going back to Burger King anyway."
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #77 on: Oct 29th, 2005, 7:27am » |
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Golf 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
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| « Last Edit: Oct 29th, 2005, 7:28am by Wicked_Witch » |
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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dOnUtz 9urL
Premier Expert
 Anchorage AK
# 54
d rite mate won't make u happy,only an open heart
Gender:
Posts: 1782
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #78 on: Oct 29th, 2005, 12:44pm » |
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on Oct 20th, 2005, 12:28am, Jimbo wrote:
My Mom taught me about WEATHER.
"It looks like a tornado swept
through your room!"
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roflmbo !!
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to LOVE for the sake of being loved is human, but to love for the sake of loving is angelic
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CooCHie
Premier Expert
Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #79 on: Oct 30th, 2005, 5:55pm » |
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Beth
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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