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Nov 1st, 2024, 2:52am
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Topic: Make Me Laugh (Read 12509 times) |
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Jimbo
Beginner Pennsylvania
# 196
When one door of happiness closes, another opens
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Posts: 108
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #90 on: Nov 3rd, 2005, 8:02pm » |
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LMAO A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
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Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #91 on: Nov 4th, 2005, 5:35am » |
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Honey, you remember the headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." > > > >"No more headaches?" the husband asks. "What happened?? > > > >His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to > >stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have > >a headache; I do not have a headache,' several times. Well, It > >worked! The headaches are all gone!" > > > >The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." > > > >She then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in > >the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist > >and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try > >it. > > > >Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his > >clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts > >her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes > >into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed > >and makes passionate love to his wife -- like never before. His wife > >says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" > > > >The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back > >into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the > >first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband > >again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." > > > >With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly > >follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the > >mirror and repeatedly saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. > >She's not my wife...!" > > > >(Funeral services will be held on Monday.) > >
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« Last Edit: Nov 4th, 2005, 5:36am by Wicked_Witch » |
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #92 on: Nov 7th, 2005, 1:54am » |
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[a brilliant example of how men think on their feet.... The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!! Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh f*ck", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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earthlingorgeous
Guest
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The Clinton apology speech re Monica Lewinski scandal translated into Ebonics (American English slang) Good evening. (What's up). This afternoon in this room, from this chair, Itestified before the Office of Independent Counseland the grand jury. (Today at my crib these suckers and playa-haters started grillin' me). I answered their questions truthfully, includingquestions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (They started frontin'about my game and asking all kinds of foul shit). Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (I'm tired of these haters throwing salt in my game. I'm going to let y'all know my Mackin style tonight). As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (Awhile back, you nosy mother f**kers wanted to know if I was hittin'ho-ass Monica's skins. You did not have any video, so if you want to believe a 10 ho, then oh well). Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms.Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (Yeah, I was hittin' that dime dropping Bitch! She was only sucking my jimmiethough. I was stupid for messing with a young big-mouthed skank........, but don't hate me because I'm a playa). But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did i ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence. (Outside of that shit I told punk-ass AG (Al Gore) to put on gay-ass Starr, Monica and hersnitching friend, I was chill the whole time). I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Man look,I heard she was down with what ever. She wasn't all that but I plannedto pimp her around to my boyz in the Senate). The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. (Those haters started sweatin' my homeys and my peeps. I got real pissed when they tried to make me look like I'm not real or something. As a matter of fact their shady asses are on the take anyway). This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. (Tryin' to hit me they wasted a lot of Cheddar and pissed off my Crew). Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. (I'm a pimp and playa and I'm going to be one! Get some business'. Hillary is chill because I got more than enough White Water dirt on her ass, that will get her sent up before I'm outta here). It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lifeandget on with our national life. (Quit harassing me because I'm going to Flossregardless. Just in case y'all forgot untilyou chumps ax me I'm still the shit!) Now it is time - in fact, it is past time- to move on. (f**k all y'all, I don'tgive a f**k!)
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #94 on: Nov 12th, 2005, 3:25am » |
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The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, "And what does your father do?" "Oh, he's a magician," replied Johnny. "Really? And what's his best trick?" "His best trick is sawing people in half." "Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?" "Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters." ************************************************* A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies........." "You just happen to catch my eye.."
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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CooCHie
Premier Expert Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #95 on: Nov 14th, 2005, 3:42am » |
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Great jokes JIMBO, EARTHY, AND WITCHY ....Keep them cumminggggggggg
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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Jimbo
Beginner Pennsylvania
# 196
When one door of happiness closes, another opens
Gender:
Posts: 108
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #96 on: Nov 14th, 2005, 3:41pm » |
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Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #97 on: Nov 15th, 2005, 3:12am » |
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LOL, Jimbo, I wholeheartedly agree on that women's fantasy! I'm running out of good jokes here so I'm posting these for now: WATCH OUT FOR THEM VIRUSES... The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows ------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------
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« Last Edit: Nov 15th, 2005, 3:13am by Wicked_Witch » |
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Jimbo
Beginner Pennsylvania
# 196
When one door of happiness closes, another opens
Gender:
Posts: 108
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #98 on: Nov 15th, 2005, 7:39am » |
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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
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IP Logged |
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
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CooCHie
Premier Expert Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: Make Me Laugh
« Reply #99 on: Nov 15th, 2005, 9:10pm » |
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HAHAHAHAHA Fallen
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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