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   RANDOM Jokes
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   Author  Topic: RANDOM Jokes  (Read 6187 times)
K....
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #10 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 6:53pm »
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Not really sure if this is a joke, but I find this funny. I was browsing through some sites last night when I read this:
 
"You have to be very fond of men. Very, very fond. You have to be very fond of them to love them. Otherwise they're simply unbearable." --- Marguerite Duras
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Wicked_Witch
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Philippines  Manila
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I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!

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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #11 on: Sep 5th, 2005, 2:17am »
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A man's car broke down as he was driving past a  beautiful, old
monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the
monastery.  
 
A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him
to spend the night.   The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber
in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he
was awakened by a strange sound. The  next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him.   The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."  
 
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks
for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward
the man wondered about the source of the alluring sound.  
 
Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at
the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their  peaceful roof. The monks
agreed and the man stayed.  
 
Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the
monks to explain the sound.  The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell
you about the sound.  You're not a monk."  
 
By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.   He decided to give
up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about
the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and
arduous task of becoming a monk.  
 
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of
the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of
the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.  
 
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened
the door with a golden key.   That door swung open to reveal a second
door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed
through twelve doors, each more magnificent  than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the
wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years
before. ......it was....
 
I'm sorry, I can't tell you either, you're not a monk!!!

 
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earthlingorgeous
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #12 on: Sep 9th, 2005, 11:45am »
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This has got to be one of the most clever  
E-mails I've received in a while.  
Someone out there either has too much  
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.  
(wait till you see the last one)!
 
 
DORMITORY:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
DIRTY ROOM
 
 
PRESBYTERIAN:  
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
 
 
DESPERATION:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
A ROPE ENDS IT
 
GEORGE BUSH:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
HE BUGS GORE
 
 
THE MORSE CODE:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
HERE COME DOTS
 
SLOT MACHINES:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
CASH LOST IN ME
 
 
ANIMOSITY:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
IS NO AMITY
 
 
MOTHER-IN-LAW:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
WOMAN HITLER
 
SNOOZE ALARMS:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
 
 
A DECIMAL POINT:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
IM A DOT IN PLACE
 
THE EARTHQUAKES:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
THAT QUEER SHAKE
 
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
TWELVE PLUS ONE
 
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
 
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:  
When you rearrange the letters  
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
 
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay  
too much time on their hands!
« Last Edit: Sep 9th, 2005, 11:47am by earthlingorgeous » IP Logged
looky
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #13 on: Sep 9th, 2005, 7:13pm »
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Earthy, thats too funny, I wont be asking you to to play scrabble  Grin
 
Here is a advertisement i thought you all would like, any of you girls want a FREE cat?
 

« Last Edit: Sep 9th, 2005, 7:15pm by looky » IP Logged



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looky
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #14 on: Sep 10th, 2005, 2:06pm »
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Subject: never give up too much info
 
 
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
 
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although  familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
 
She replies, "I may be  mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"  
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!"
 
"Um, no",  she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"...........  
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Wicked_Witch
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Philippines  Manila
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I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!

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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #15 on: Sep 13th, 2005, 12:26am »
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
 
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
 
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
 
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
 
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: George!
______________
 
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
 
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
 
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
 
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
 
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
 
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
 
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
 
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

 
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earthlingorgeous
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #16 on: Sep 13th, 2005, 9:50am »
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looky......... thats so funny...the cat and the man... hmmm I choose the CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!! lol
 
lets play scawbble lol...am no good... promise ... ask jeff  Grin
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Wicked_Witch
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Philippines  Manila
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I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!

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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #17 on: Sep 16th, 2005, 12:50am »
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DARK IN HERE...
 
     A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at  
work.
 
     Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
 
 
 
     Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the  
closet.
 
     The boy now has company.
 
 
 
     Boy: "Dark in here,"
 
     Man: "Yes, it is."
 
     Boy: "I have a baseball."
 
     Man: "That's nice."
 
     Boy: "Want to buy it?"
 
     Man: "No, thanks."
 
     Boy: "My dad's outside."
 
     Man: "OK, how much?"
 
     Boy: "$250."
 
 
 
     In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the  
mom's lover
 
     are in the closet together.
 
 
 
     Boy: "Dark in here."
 
     Man: "Yes, it is."
 
     Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
 
     Man: "How much?"
 
     Boy: ""$750."
 
     Man: "Fine."
 
 
 
     A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go
 
     outside and toss the baseball."
 
     The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
 
     The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
 
     The son says, "$1000."
 
     The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like  
that.
 
     That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you  
to
 
     church and make you confess."
 
 
 
     They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the  
little
 
     boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
 
 
 
     The boy says, "Dark in here."
 
     The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
 
 
« Last Edit: Sep 16th, 2005, 12:51am by Wicked_Witch » IP Logged

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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #18 on: Sep 19th, 2005, 10:07am »
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Clocks In Heaven
 
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered,
"Those are Lie-Clocks.
 
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie
the hands on your clock will move."
 
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
 
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told
only two lies in his entire life."
 
"Where's Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's clock?" asked the man. The
Philippine President's' clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling
fan."
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Wicked_Witch
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I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!

  the_wicked_witch13  
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #19 on: Sep 20th, 2005, 2:39am »
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An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
 
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
 
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
 
Officer: Can I see your license please?
 
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
 
Officer: Don't have one?
 
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
 
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
 
Old Lady: I can't do that.
 
Officer: Why not?
 
Old Lady: I stole this car.
 
Officer: Stole it?
 
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
 
Officer: You what?
 
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want  
to see.
 
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and  
calls for back up.
 
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
 
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn  
gun.
 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
 
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
 
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
 
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and  
murdered the owner.
 
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
 
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
 
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
 
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
 
The officer is quite stunned.
 
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving  
license.
 
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands  
it to the officer.
 
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
 
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have  
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up  
the owner.
 
Old Lady: Bet the lying b******d told you I was speeding, too.
 
 
 I always knew OLD ladies are a lot smarter than people give them credit for!!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
« Last Edit: Sep 20th, 2005, 2:46am by Wicked_Witch » IP Logged

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