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Nov 1st, 2024, 2:35am
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Topic: RANDOM Jokes (Read 6187 times) |
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K....
Premier Expert Milan,
# 71
I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream...
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #10 on: Aug 26th, 2005, 6:53pm » |
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Not really sure if this is a joke, but I find this funny. I was browsing through some sites last night when I read this: "You have to be very fond of men. Very, very fond. You have to be very fond of them to love them. Otherwise they're simply unbearable." --- Marguerite Duras
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~~It's important to know, that we all have 'magic' within us...."~~
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #11 on: Sep 5th, 2005, 2:17am » |
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A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward the man wondered about the source of the alluring sound. Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before. ......it was.... I'm sorry, I can't tell you either, you're not a monk!!!
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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earthlingorgeous
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This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
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« Last Edit: Sep 9th, 2005, 11:47am by earthlingorgeous » |
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looky
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# 44
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #13 on: Sep 9th, 2005, 7:13pm » |
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Earthy, thats too funny, I wont be asking you to to play scrabble Here is a advertisement i thought you all would like, any of you girls want a FREE cat?
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« Last Edit: Sep 9th, 2005, 7:15pm by looky » |
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Whatever happens.........Happens
CHECK IT!! http://www.importsmokes.com http://www.carburetor-manual.com
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looky
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# 44
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #14 on: Sep 10th, 2005, 2:06pm » |
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Subject: never give up too much info A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!" "Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"...........
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Whatever happens.........Happens
CHECK IT!! http://www.importsmokes.com http://www.carburetor-manual.com
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #15 on: Sep 13th, 2005, 12:26am » |
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TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." _____________ TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables! _____________ TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! _____________ TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! ______________ TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: George! ______________ TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE: Me! ______________ TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ______________ TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." Ellen: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _____________ TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." _____________ TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand." ______________ TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. _______________ TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog! ______________ TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher.
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earthlingorgeous
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looky......... thats so funny...the cat and the man... hmmm I choose the CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!! lol lets play scawbble lol...am no good... promise ... ask jeff
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
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Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #17 on: Sep 16th, 2005, 12:50am » |
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DARK IN HERE... A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here," Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: ""$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
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« Last Edit: Sep 16th, 2005, 12:51am by Wicked_Witch » |
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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earthlingorgeous
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Clocks In Heaven A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's clock?" asked the man. The Philippine President's' clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #19 on: Sep 20th, 2005, 2:39am » |
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An old lady gets pulled over for speeding... Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Old Lady: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please? Old Lady: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Old Lady: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Old Lady: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Old Lady: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Old Lady: Bet the lying b******d told you I was speeding, too. I always knew OLD ladies are a lot smarter than people give them credit for!!
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« Last Edit: Sep 20th, 2005, 2:46am by Wicked_Witch » |
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