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Nov 1st, 2024, 3:33am
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Topic: RANDOM Jokes (Read 6191 times) |
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earthlingorgeous
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IMAO witchy 
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CooCHie
Premier Expert
 Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #21 on: Sep 27th, 2005, 3:33am » |
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Top Five Reasons Why Computers Must be Male
5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. SOme uses however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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CooCHie
Premier Expert
Dreamland
# 12
Fart Knockers
Posts: 1535
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #22 on: Sep 27th, 2005, 3:36am » |
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Top Five Reasons WHy Computers Must Be Female.
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic..
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. THe native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad command or filename" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accesories for it.
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The greatest thing in this world is being alive...we only live once..Treat yourself everyday as if it is your last day!!Life is precious to ignore!!Be happy!!
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daviefaescotland
Beginner
 scotland
# 199
Gender: 
Posts: 189
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #23 on: Oct 3rd, 2005, 4:47am » |
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A man escapes from prison and breaks into a house. He finds a young couple in bed and ties the man to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed,the convict kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there,the husband whispers to his wife:"listen,this guy is an escaped convict.He probably hasn't seen a woman in years.
"I saw how he kissed yuor neck. If he wants sex,dont resist..do whatever he tells you,no matter how much he nauseates you.
"This guy is dangerous.If he gets angry,he'll kill us both.Be strong honey.I love you."
His wife replied "He wasn't kissing my neck.he was whispering in my ear.He told me that he's gay,thinks your cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you to."
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live each day to the full,as it might be your last
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
 Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
 
Gender: 
Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #24 on: Oct 6th, 2005, 12:58am » |
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
***********************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
*********************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
*************************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
*******************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
*******************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."************************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Offic e door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
******************************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action!"
***************************************************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
*****************************************
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
************************************************************************ **
In the front yard o f a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"BEST PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK!!"
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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earthlingorgeous
Guest
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WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
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daviefaescotland
Beginner
scotland
# 199
Gender:
Posts: 189
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #26 on: Nov 21st, 2005, 4:49am » |
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LMOA ROFL  EARTH
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live each day to the full,as it might be your last
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #27 on: Nov 22nd, 2005, 1:54am » |
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The Horse Race
The Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady
and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows,
Thighs weakens,
Heavy Bosom pulls up,
and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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earthlingorgeous
Guest
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Choosing a marriage partner
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble
choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present
of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy
beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new
outfits and dresses
up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has
done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was
impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
gets him a new
set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer,
and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she
tells him that she has spent all the money on him
because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She
earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his
$5000 and reinvests the remai nder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was
impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman
had done
with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the
one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
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Jhay
Beginner
Asia
# 251
I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
Gender:
Posts: 13
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Go ahead do it
« Reply #29 on: Nov 23rd, 2005, 8:23am » |
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Go Ahead Do It 
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy." 
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Take care...
Jhay
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