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Nov 1st, 2024, 3:00am
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Topic: RANDOM Jokes (Read 6189 times) |
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okasantina
Premier Expert
 Yokohama, Japan
# 4
***~~QuEeNbEe~~ ***
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Posts: 2744
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #80 on: Dec 4th, 2006, 6:11am » |
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The Perfect Man:
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy! "
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But
Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake."
Passenger: "Hmmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
wonderful and he never answered her back, even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he
was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever
measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank "
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
 
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
 Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
 
 
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Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #81 on: Dec 28th, 2006, 8:57am » |
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A man went to see a doctor.
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #82 on: Jan 8th, 2007, 9:19am » |
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A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a
tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive
nurses immediately rushed up to
catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses
rushed back and once more brought her
back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old
woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart."
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RJ
Certified
 In Da MiX
# 224
|l|l|RJ|l|l|
Gender: 
Posts: 710
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #83 on: Jan 8th, 2007, 10:36am » |
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So you want us to laugh ei? Can u tickle me please? lol
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #84 on: Jan 24th, 2007, 10:54am » |
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SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
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Ligaya
Certified
# 387
be RoCk ....be WiLd... ExPrEsS uR sElF!!!!
 
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Posts: 676
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #85 on: Feb 7th, 2007, 3:36pm » |
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The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN. At each commercial, unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed.
If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change the channel except during scud attacks (see below).
If someone says, "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last person to salute takes a shot.
If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot. That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.
If someone says, "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout "Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forgo the next "scud." The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the error.
Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout "woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase "ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first person to grab the shot gets it.
Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.
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We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. *bad_day_me*
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Ligaya
Certified
# 387
be RoCk ....be WiLd... ExPrEsS uR sElF!!!!
Gender:
Posts: 676
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #86 on: Feb 7th, 2007, 3:40pm » |
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The Stealth Missile in Action
The war in the Persian Gulf has brought about the use of many new high-tech American weapons, weapons that until now had never been tested in combat. Most of these weapons have met with astonishing success, but none with as much success as the Stealth Missile. The Stealth Missile has the ability to avoid all forms of detection, not just electronic, but visual as well. Here is a video, recently released by the military, of the Stealth Missile in action.
[Scene: Iraqi war room. Several Iraqi officers are discussing a map of the middle east.]
Officer : So it is decided! We will launch more SCUDs at Tel Aviv tonight!
[A knock at the door.]
Officer : Who is it?
Voice : Mr. Al-Hakbarrraazzer...?
Officer : What did you say?
Voice : Mr. Hussezzakbaghdiz...?
Officer : I can't understand you! Who is this?
Voice : Plumber...
Officer : We don't need a plumber! We no longer have running water!
Voice : Candygram...
Officer : Okay, wise guy! Who is this really?
Voice : CNN reporter...
Officer : Oh! Okay, you can come in!
[The officer opens the door revealing a missile wearing a trenchcoat and Groucho glasses. It flies into the room and detonates.]
Now aren't you glad your Congress voted the appropriations?
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We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. *bad_day_me*
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #87 on: Jul 19th, 2007, 5:11am » |
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There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted weights, and jogged six miles everyday. One morning, he looked in the mirror and admired his body. He noticed that he was sun-tanned all over, except his penis, which he decided to do something about.
That afternoon he went to the beach, got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.
Two old ladies came walking along the beach. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, one old lady began to move it around with her care, remarking to theother old lady, saying, "You know, there really is no justice in the world." The other lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The old lady said, "Look at that, when I was 20. I was courious about it, when I was 30, I enjoyed it, when I was 40, I asked for it, when I was 50, I paid for it, when I was 60, I prayed for it, when I was 70, I forgot about it and now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat!"
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She who have not sinned may cast the first stone.
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Wicked_Witch
Premier Expert
Manila
# 201
I'm not old, you are just younger. Hehehe!
Gender:
Posts: 3667
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #88 on: Aug 28th, 2007, 10:29am » |
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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde
says, "What a great chest you have."
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What
massive calves you have." The body builder tells her,
"That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes
running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases
after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran
out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that
dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!"
***********************
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to
me in
>>> the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was
jumping for
>>> joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and
down
>>> along with her.
>>>
>>> She said, "I have some really great news!"
>>>
>>> I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
>>>
>>> She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping
up
>>> and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been
trying
>>> for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for
>>> you!"
>>> Then she said, "There's more."
>>>
>>> I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
>>>
>>> She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going
to
>>> have TWINS!"
>>>
>>> Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I
asked
>>> her how she knew. She said....
>>>
>>> "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they
actually
>>> had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out
positive!"
>>>
>
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