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Nov 1st, 2024, 2:50am
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Topic: The 3 Scientists, The Pig & The Monkey (Read 2413 times) |
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
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Posts: 87
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The Door Stopper
« Reply #10 on: Aug 29th, 2004, 6:18pm » |
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Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut. But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut. Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson. Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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ROFLMAO
« Reply #11 on: Sep 15th, 2004, 5:58pm » |
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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scottman
Beginner Los Angeles CA
# 125
Comming soon to a theater near you...
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Posts: 207
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Put a Smile On
« Reply #12 on: Sep 16th, 2004, 4:16pm » |
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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polar-oid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Na-Cho Cheese. 9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro-Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
« Reply #13 on: Sep 17th, 2004, 1:31am » |
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Nawwwww, I was ROFLMAO, Scotty...LOL
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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scottman
Beginner Los Angeles CA
# 125
Comming soon to a theater near you...
Gender:
Posts: 207
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Democrat vs. Republican
« Reply #14 on: Sep 21st, 2004, 6:47pm » |
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A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?" She replied, "Mary is barely getting by. She barely has a 2.0 GPA and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. Mary is very popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over." Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said... "Welcome to the Republican Party."
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Clever Retort
« Reply #15 on: Oct 6th, 2004, 7:13pm » |
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A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years." To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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By year 2020
« Reply #16 on: Oct 26th, 2004, 9:11pm » |
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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Best Feature
« Reply #17 on: Oct 26th, 2004, 9:14pm » |
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Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off. Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!" Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Assassins
« Reply #18 on: Mar 19th, 2005, 7:59am » |
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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teagirl
Beginner Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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The Old Lady & The Frog
« Reply #19 on: Apr 5th, 2005, 9:50am » |
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An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY." The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY." So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog. IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO? COME ON GUESS? OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND. She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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